Gumpy's Birthday

My grandfather would have been 85 years old today.  He liked to joke that he had done pretty well for someone who was born with just three belly bands to his name.  I would say he was pretty accurate in that assessment, given how poor his parents were and how much he accomplished.  He was full of sayings like that, so this post starts a listing of my favorite Elbert Carpenter sayings.

"He wouldn't be happy if he were hung by a brand new rope."  This was coined by his father after someone in Waldron had committed suicide.  Despite it's macabre origins, it became a way for the family to describe someone who is never satisfied or happy.  

"Can you hand me my watchie?"  Gumpy could never remember the name of anything.  Ever.  In time, I came to learn exactly what he was looking for.  

"Well, I'll be jiggered!"  Always an expression of mild surprise.

"That will make you a man before your mother."  "That will put hair on your chest."  Both were used when he was trying to cajole someone into doing something.  He would say them to anyone, regardless of sexual orientation.

"Oh, BALLS!"  Ema will blush when she hears I put this out for public consumption.  Instead of swearing using the typical epitaphs, he would holler "Oh, Balls!"

"That's slicker than the hair on a schoolmarm's leg!"  Once, I used this phrase in front of him and he began question what I knew about schoolmarms since he was the authority.  

"I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass hide off a skunk!"  A phrase only used once and he did not remember saying it.  Early in his treatment for pancriatic cancer, he was rushed to the emergency room and was fairly well medicated for pain.  He had been in and out of consciousness for several hours when he sat straigh up in bed and made his very clear declaration of how hungry he was.  He then laid right back down without another peep for a few more hours.  I do have witnesses that will corroborate my story.

I hope you laugh a little with me today as I remember my best buddy!